Life's Realities
by broncomap
Summary: I always thought that a missing moment for Kitty's Love Affair would be a Kitty/Doc conversation. Here's my version. I wrote this quite a while ago but was nervous about posting it. I came across it again and decided to!


AN: KLA missing moment. You have to know Kitty's Love Affair for it to make sense. On with the show.

Kitty left Matt's office deflated and confused, and quietly closed the door behind her. She stared out into the dark, moonless night. Going to see Matt had not been easy. In fact, when she peeked in his office window and saw him working at his desk, she almost walked away. They hadn't spoken since the night she got back with Will Stambridge. Matt walked her to the Long Branch that night, wanting to talk, but she kept the conversation short, and coolly said good night instead of asking him in for a drink. After that they avoided each other, although she made sure he saw her around town with Will. Once, when she knew Matt was in his office, they drove right by his window – not her finest hour perhaps, but she was still hurt, confused and angry that his damn job had disrupted the trip they'd planned for months. Besides, at that point she didn't expect things to go anywhere with Will. That changed fast, faster than she could have imagined. Now she had a decision to make. So, after an awkward week of not speaking to the man she'd loved for 18 years, she steeled herself and stepped into his office, saying simply, "Got a minute Matt?" To her relief his voice was warm and his eyes welcoming. He listened carefully, and let her speak without interrupting, but when she asked him to tell her to say no to Will Stambridge, all he said was, "You know how I feel, but that's a decision you have to make for yourself." That was not what she wanted to hear. Maybe she should have demanded more – yelled and screamed if that's what it took – but she didn't have it in her. So she accepted his words and left.

She looked up, and was only slightly surprised to discover that she'd walked to the staircase that lead to Doc's office. Slowly and heavily she climbed the steps and tapped on his door. It opened quickly, and pair of wise and comforting eyes greeted her. "Come in Kitty. Coffee's on the stove." She stepped inside the familiar office and Doc grabbed two mugs from a shelf. "I've been expecting you – well, maybe more hope than expectation. Anyway, I've had a pot of coffee going day and night, just in case." He lifted the pot from the stove and filled the mugs.

"Why did you think – or hope - I'd come up here?" She sat down in a straight-backed chair and accepted a steaming mug with both hands.

"Kitty, I've been watching you since you came into town with Stambridge." He took a seat across from her and leaned forward. "I know you, and I can see that no matter how calm and in control you seem on the outside, what you're feeling on the inside is a lot more complicated."

Kitty nodded and took a sip of coffee. It was strong and bitter. "It's – I'm – well life has gotten confusing. Will wants to settle down – with me. He's offering me home and family. He says there's no pressure but he wants an answer, and he deserves one. I don't know what to do. I went to Matt, but he was no help at all." Kitty stared down into her coffee. Doc rubbed his mustache. He was in tricky territory, but maybe going back in time would help. "Kitty, I came to Dodge a bit before you. I was heading east hoping to find a position in a fancy hospital. I'd met some doctors during the war who became hospital surgeons, and I figured I'd join them in Boston or maybe New York. Problem was I was out of money. That's why I stopped in Dodge. I knew I could make quick cash digging out bullets and sewing up knife wounds. By golly, there were gunfights, shootings, and hold-ups every day. After a few weeks I had almost enough money to move on. That's when a man rode into town. He was the biggest man I'd ever seen in my life, and he wore a bright new US Marshal's badge. I didn't take to him at first – too young and sure of himself. I predicted he wouldn't last a day. But he did, and the days turned into weeks and months. He stood up for ordinary folks and took on the spoilers, gunslingers and thieves. Sometimes I wondered if he ever slept. Dodge started to change for the better, and I developed a respect and – well – an affection for that man." Doc pulled at his ear. "I tried to hide that some, but he wasn't fooled. Anyway, around that time a stage pulled up one rainy day, and a redhead stepped out. She was the prettiest little thing I'd ever seen. She was just passing through - until she caught sight of that big man. Before long she was in love with him, and he with her. I'll tell you it was something to watch that develop." Doc smiled and took a sip of coffee.

Kitty couldn't help but smile too, picturing Matt all those years ago. "Oh Doc." She sighed and shook her head. "The problem is I'm not that 19 year old girl anymore. I'm 37 almost 38. Will got me thinking about how fast the years go by. Doc, in the back of my mind I always thought that, some day, I'd have a family and a home. All of a sudden, I don't have many some-days left."

"Look, I know Matt thinks it's wrong to marry while he's wearing the badge, but have you given up hope that he'll take it off in a couple or few years?"

"I have hope Doc. As Matt would say there's hope in any situation. But what if it doesn't happen?" She set her cup down. "Doc, I know how much Matt loves me. I've felt it almost like a – a - magic cloak for 18 years." She blinked back tears. "So, why won't he give up the badge for me, even if it means I might choose Will? I know it's not because his love for me is lacking."

"Kitty, I can't speak for Matt, but I'll say what I know. Three years ago when Matt was shot in the chest, I urged him to walk away from the badge. I told him that no one would think any less of him, and there was a limit to what one man could be asked to do. That's when I really understood how strong Matt feels his responsibility to protect. It's part of who he is. No matter the pain or unhappiness that badge brings him, if he takes it off before he's sure it's time to pass the torch, guilt will eat away at him, and he'll become a different person. He won't be able to live with himself, much less be fit for anyone to be with."

"Oh Doc, if I were 20, 30 or even 35 it would be easier to consider all that, but Will is ready for a new life now." She smiled crookedly, "And he loves me – well - as much a man can love a woman after knowing her for less than two weeks."

"And you, Kitty?"

"I – I care about Will, I'm grateful to him, I – damn - if I felt for Will what I feel for Matt this decision would be easy, I'd marry Will. Problem is, I'll never love anyone like I love Matt, but Doc, this might be my only chance to have children." She set her mug down. "I should go." She started to stand, but Doc put a gentle hand on her shoulder, "Please wait. I have a request and it's hard to ask."

Kitty frowned with concern and settled back in her chair, "What Doc?"

"I know that Stambridge is buying Corley Deems' dirt farm. I guess that means he intends to settle here and take up farming. Kitty, if you marry Will, I ask that you get him to sell that place and settle somewhere else. Some place away from Dodge and outside of Kansas territory. Think about it, Kitty. How wise would it be for newly weds to live near a man the bride has had an 18 year relationship with, and still has feeling for? What would you do if Matt got shot?" Kitty stared at Doc. He held her eyes. "As for Matt, he'd do his duty to protect you, Stambridge and your property, but that could lead to some complicated feelings all around." Doc took a sip of coffee. "Anyway, it will take an awful lot of physical labor to get that run-down farm going. If Stambridge has his heart set on farming, he could easily find more agreeable land elsewhere." Doc set his mug down and took Kitty's hand. "There's something else. No woman could replace you in Matt's life, you know that, but if you married and moved away, there's a small, small chance another woman could give him some solace. And when he finally took off that badge he'd have some chance at companionship.

Kitty eyes widened.

"I'd miss you every day, Kitty, but if you choose Stambridge, moving away would be best for everyone involved."

Kitty stood and whispered hoarsely, "Of course." Heart pounding, she hurried out the door and down the stairs. Fact was, when Will drove her out to Corley Deems' farm and said he was buying it, her only thought was that he was offering her home and family. She didn't think about the day-to-day labor of turning a run down farm around, or what she'd do with the Long Branch. Would she sell it and devote herself entirely to housework and farming? Never mind the issue of being in Matt's town and territory - seeing him, maybe needing his help – and what if he did get shot? Every fiber of her being would ache to run to his side. Doc was right, if she and Will married it would be best to get a fresh start on better land, far away from Dodge. Her stomach churned. Leaving a life she'd built for 18 years was a hard decision. Yet, she had to admit, if Matt asked her to move to the moon with him tomorrow, her bags would be packed in a flash. She pictured Matt, strong, tall and handsome. If she was gone, women would be eager to comfort him in ways she knew too well. Her stomach lurched again. A few months ago, Matt returned from Arizona, sad and wearing the scars of serious wounds. He confessed that he'd slept with another woman one time. She was hurt and angry until Matt explained the situation and Doc gave her a book about amnesia. She soon understood that Matt's injuries had caused him to lose his memory. When he slept with the woman named Mike, he wasn't himself, he was a man with no memories that Mike had named Dan. This would be different. If she left Matt, and he was with another woman, it would be her Matt Dillon doing it. But how could he be her Matt Dillon if she was married to another man? She pictured Will in the arms of another. It didn't bother her at all.

She shivered and quickened her pace. It was past midnight and growing colder by the second. She hurried to the back of the Long Branch and raced up the stairs to her suite. Once inside she turned on a lamp and sat down at her vanity. She stared into the mirror for a long minute before a smile slowly spread across her face. Doc, you sly old dog, you knew just what to say to get me to look at life's realities. Yes, I hope one day to have everything I wish for, but if there are things that can't be – that's all right. No one can design their life as if they are writing a play. Real life is full of twists and turns and unexpected joys. Going through the messiness of life with Matt, is where my happiness lies, and I'm grateful for that. Tomorrow Will is coming for dinner. I'll toast the purchase of his land but gently turn him down. Knowing Will, he'll try to get me to change my no to a maybe, but I won't. Thank you Doc, sleep well.

Doc sat on the edge of his bed and tossed back a shot of whiskey. He grabbed the bottle and refilled the glass to the brim. The coffee he'd shared with Kitty was strong, and he needed to settle down. He sipped a bit off the top and thought about their conversation. He loved Kitty and Matt more than anything, and here they were, two complex people in a complicated situation. Only that Stambridge fellow seemed to think it would be a simple matter to shed the past, and have a perfect future. You'd think a man his age would know better. Fact is, our past is part of who we are, and no one has a perfect future. Doc lifted his shot glass – Kitty, I said a lot of words tonight, but I could have said just two – Choose love. Doc tossed the whiskey back and set the glass on the end table. Kitty, I think you will choose love. You've always been wise. Your life isn't perfect; no one's is or ever will be, but, the love you share with Matt is a precious jewel. You won't throw it away.

Doc got into bed and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

The End


End file.
